P & I have been having a bit of a debate as Becky is having a little New Year party & has invited us & also J to sleepover with Tim. I think it would be really nice to go but P doesn't like staying up late & doesn't see the point of New Year's parties so wants to stay at home & go to bed. We've come to conclusion that J & I will go without him & he says he'd be fine with that. Trouble is I'm feeling a bit under the weather (in a different way to normal) so I'm hoping I'm not getting one of the bugs & if I am I'd better not go & give it to everyone else. Just have to wait & see.
Sometimes I just feel I want to scream.
In fact right now I think I am going to scream because I'm trying to get J to get on with his school project & he's doing incredibly little work. He got this library book on ADD written for kids which is actually very helpful but it says kids with ADD should work for 15 or 20 minutes then have a 5 minute break. Trouble is it seems more like work for 5 minutes than have a 30 minute break.

We had a lovely time with my brother & his two daughters on Monday. P's Dad was over as well. His carer came in at lunchtime & gave an impromptu concert on the piano. P cooked what was basically another Christmas dinner & very nice. The girls are getting so grown up it's amazing. My oldest niece had made us a beautiful cross stitch card. I just gave her money for Christmas which she seemed very pleased with. She's very into clothes but is probably at an age now (12) where it's better if she chooses her own. It's quite hard choosing presents for the younger one as she has Down's syndrome so I can't just go by the age on toys but I got her a doll sitting in a carriage with horses with purple flowing manes (makes me glad I've got a boy!) & she seemed to like it.
Sadly my brother phoned last night & said his father in law has taken a major turn for the worse so they're going to stay on there & the rest of the family are coming to be with him. It's very sad but at least, as he says, they managed to get through Christmas.

I have been noticing recently that my husband has been smelling a bit mouldy. The other day I realised the reason. Our house has a front and back porch which is supposed to help retain the heat as you try & shut the outer door before you open the inner door. What we have found though is that the back porch especially gets very cold as the wall is so well insulated it doesn't get any heat from the rest of the house. As well as this the washing machine is in there which must generate a bit of moisture into the air & the ventilation system isn't yet working. As a result it's got damp & our coats which are hanging in there have got mildew. A couple are so bad we'll just have to throw them out & I'm washing all the others. P's bodywarmer was quite musty but he was wearing it without noticing. I keep my favourite coat in the bedroom so at least that was alright. I think we'll just have to keep the door to the porch open until the ventilation system is working even though it makes the house a bit cooler. Just like being in the caravan again where everything got damp. (One day I was even putting on my eyeshadow & realised it was mouldy!)

I hope you've had a nice Christmas. I have had a good one, I've so much to be thankful for, I've got a loving family, we had some nice church services, some good food, nice presents, I'm not living in the caravan any more... and yet I'm feeling really low at the moment. I keep thinking 'This is good, I should be enjoying it,' and yet I'm not.
Had a good church service this morning, J went up with some of the other children to help assemble a nativity scene. Sadly J & Adam had a bit of a falling out as Adam had been given 'Brain Training' for Christmas & J wanted him to let him download the demo & he said no. I've just been talking to J about forgiveness, he says he knows he should forgive Adam but he wants to wait until tomorrow. Becky & Tim came in at the end of the service as her husband & older daughter came to our church service. I feel really sorry for her because she's always gone to an Anglican church but her 2 older children decided they prefer our church as it's more lively & then her husband decided to come here as well. On Christmas day the younger two also wanted to come so she decided to come too so the family would be altogether. It's hard on her though as she's very involved in the Anglican church so it wouldn't be easy for her to just come to ours instead.
Yesterday went into town to go to second hand model railway shop to get some bits for J's train set. On way back stopped at Sainsburys, bought two pairs of trousers, a skirt & a cardigan all half price - my Christmas present from P. I resisted the temptation to buy a third brown hooded top. There were long queues of traffic going into town, everybody else after the bargains as well. We didn't go right into the town centre, can't imagine what that would have been like.
Tomorrow my brother & his children are coming to visit which will be good. His girlfriend won't be coming as her father is very seriously ill. He has had complications following his heart surgery & things aren't very good at the moment. Her mum is doing very well following her operation though.
P & J have just come back from a long walk, J's fingers got really cold as we can't find his gloves! They're probably too small now anyway, have to buy him some new ones on Tuesday.
Just trying to get J to do some piano practice. He's getting a bit frustrated as he wants to progress faster than his teacher is letting him, he's been told to stick to the pieces he's meant to be learning & not rush ahead in the book playing all the other pieces. He's having to wait until the new term to learn quavers but really he already knows how to do them. I've downloaded some simple carol music to give him something different to play (one's got quavers in it but don't tell anyone). I can see us having to pay for private piano lessons before long.
J's just asked 'What's the point of B flat?'
I can't think of an answer to that.

Happy Christmas!

Here I am after Christmas dinner just tucking into the chocolate mints & thinking the dishwasher's the best invention ever. Had a very nice service in a packed church this morning where J's friend Tim stole the show. The children all bring one present up to the front to show. Tim took up a toy lizard and said:
'This is Froggy the Ibizan lizard. He does everything I say.'
At this point he put him on the lectern & said 'Stay!'
Everyone just fell about laughing.
It's probably funnier seeing it in real life.

Just wish we'd had 'Hark the Herald Angels' at church cos it's my favourite carol of all time.

Have just had a really nice meal cooked by P (I did the sprouts). P's Dad with us for dinner. J didn't wake us up until 7 am (might have had something to do with me playing loud music after he went to bed so he couldn't get to sleep, just didn't fancy being woken at 4 am). J liked his presents especially the walkie talkie, Hornby train & Lego set. J gave me a lovely green scarf & P gave me 'The Priests' CD but we haven't had a chance to get each other our main presents.

Worst cracker joke of Christmas so far:

'Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect rotating in front of my eyes.'
'Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going round.'

I'm all shopped out! Did nearly all my Christmas shopping in just over 2 hours today. In fact did it all in just 2 shops & the market. This was achieved by buying what are probably the most unoriginal presents ever but they'll just have to do. Went into Woolworths just to say goodbye, nothing left worth buying in there now anyway. Hard to believe it's closing down. Have these childhood memories of going in there on a Saturday morning to spend my pocket money on some pick n mix & stamps for my stamp collection. Did some tidying this morning until feet & rib got too painful. Becky brought Tim round to play at 10.30 then we just sat & talked for an hour. Then later I took both boys round her house while I went shopping. Then met P & went to Somerfields then picked up J who is now sitting watching 'Chicken run'. Tomorrow just need to finish tidying (which may involve putting all paperwork in carrier bag & hiding it), pick up turkey (with J's help), wrap & deliver presents, get J to put up decorations. So we're almost ready for Christmas. What I actually feel like doing tomorrow is having a nice long sleep.
P is back at work now & quite a lot better (except at the moment he's having a coughing fit).
Have made things up with 'chief person concerned' which is good, very good in fact.

Brother in law from Norfolk & his stepson unexpectedly turned up at 9.50, just as we were having our traditional Sunday morning 'hurry up it's your fault we're late for church' conversation. He said he would still be here when we got back from church so that was ok. Felt bad as they'd brought our presents & we haven't got theirs as we haven't been able to go shopping due to our various ailments.
The nativity went really, really well. Children were all so sweet & everyone said their words nice & clearly including my little narrator. They did the nativity story in the form of songs set to nursery rhyme tunes eg 'Old King Herod was a mean old king, a mean old king was he' to tune of Old King Cole.
Back to church for carol service at 5 pm, have to get there early as will probably be packed.
I'm going to have to come off as both P & J nagging me as they both say they want computer.
-_- smerth (message from J)

Something else good happened this morning. Our neighbour trimmed the leylandii he planted in front of our house. It's amazing how much more sun came in today & how much warmer the house has been.
As it's Christmas I think I'm going to take a picture of my Poinsettia to show to you.

Another bit of HOT news. We've got a heated towel rail in our bathroom. Luxury! With things like curtains & heated towel rails it's beginning to feel quite homely. I don't know if I mentioned it but next winter we're probably going to get a wood burning stove. Wonderful!

The rodents in our village must have been worried yesterday. The school newsletter advertised the carols in the pub which would 'be followed by mulled wine & mice pies'! We ended up not going which was a shame really. P had said he thought he felt well enough to go so I declined lift someone offered me, I had a bath & was all ready then he said he didn't feel up to it. J said he didn't want to go anyway.
J in really hyped up over-excited pre Christmas mood after school yesterday. He & P got Christmas lights out & strung them from balustrade, they do look quite good. For the first time I'm beginning to feel Christmassy. Right now I'm playing a Christmas CD while P & J sit under the lovely lights doing a jigsaw. (In reality they're actually both in a bit of a bad mood cos P still feels a bit rotten & J came home from nativity rehearsal at church saying he wants to quit as it's stupid & babyish & not a proper play. I said that's fine none of us'll go to church tomorrow I'll just email minister & tell him why which took wind completely out of his sails so he's grudgingly agreed to take part. P's now saying he's not sure he's up to church anyway but there is slight problem that he's supposed to be doing sound system. We'll see. J's just started singing along to 'Winter Wonderland' - sweet!)
What I wish I had energy to do is make Christmas cake & mince pies which is a bit strange as I hate mince pies. I'd just like to be able to do that sort of stuff. Perhaps next year!
Really felt God saying to me to forgive some of people at church for some of things that have happened lately, started really crying, I think the feeling that there's quite a lot of stuff I'm going through that they just don't understand is huge. But that's just the way life is sometimes, sometimes you're in a pit that the people around you just haven't been in & they can't understand. Psalm 40 says :

'I waited patiently for the Lord
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.' (NIV)

And that's what I'm going to do, wait patiently for him cos he's going to make it alright.

What I'm wondering right now is how to stop J from scowling during nativity tomorrow.

P still not well but getting better. He managed to cook us a nice dinner last night. In fact we had venison casserole! J off school with the bug yesterday so had to miss pantomime. He wasn't too upset as it was Cinderella which he says is a 'girl's panto'. He's gone back in today for last day of term. They're allowed to bring in their DS lites to play with today. He & Adam are also responsible for emptying the school post box & distributing Christmas cards.
I'm feeling quite a lot better, managed to do a bit of pre-Christmas visitors tidying. Can now fit all 3 of us on sofa in relative comfort & can walk from living room into study. (Yes, it really is that bad).
Have been lecturing J not to repeat what he did last year. Someone who used to go to our church came to call with a card & some money for him. When I said to J that he'd been brought some money without even looking up from TV he called out 'How much?' Of course he might not get chance to repeat this appalling behaviour as who could blame person if they didn't give him anything this year?
P has just been saying how glad he is that he & J have got illness over with before Christmas. It's just occurred to me that I haven't got it, if I've caught it from them when am I going to get it? Christmas! Right now I'm going to go along with those Christians who believe that if you declare you're not going to get an illness you won't get it. So I'm not going to get horrible infection which makes you lie around on sofa sneezing all over your nearest & dearest with streaming eyes & hacking cough. I'M NOT GOING TO GET IT!
Tonight there's carols at one of the pubs in the village organised by the churches together. This is the first time they've done it, prevously there used to be carols outside the newsagents on a Saturday morning but now newsagents is a restaurant it's not the same. Trouble is I'm not sure I can go as P says he's not going as he's not well enough & I don't think can physically get in without him. Not sure I can cope with people being freaked out by wheelchair either. Have to see how much J wants to go.

A bit of good news. Had quite a nice letter from deputy head of Technology College saying they would consider J's psychologist's report when marking his entrance exam. So that's good. Probably whether he gets in depends on how well he answered questions he did answer which we just don't know. All in God's hands now. I'm not going to mention the words 'senior school' again until the fateful day in March when we find out.
J had school Christmas lunch yesterday then carol service, school party today & pantomime tomorrow. It's just non-stop fun!

Poor P really not well, he's spent most of day so far asleep on sofa. I think it's some type of fluey cold. Seemed to pick up a bit at lunchtime but back asleep now, poor thing.
As I've been sitting here with him I've been staring at curtains which he put up recently, they do make the room much cosier but there's something just not right. I've realised the rail is too far above the window, about 6 inches too far in act. I just mentioned it to P & he said 'I put it that height so the curtain touched the floor.' Not sure he's totally got the knack of curtain hanging.
Rib a bit better today, have got one of those chemical heat packs against it which seems to help. Went to coffee morning which was good, Becky was there & also another friend Joanne who gave me a Christmas present.
Having a bit of a crisis re church at the moment. I just wrote out the problem & deleted it because it seemed like washing dirty laundry in public & I don't know who reads this. For all I know the chief person concerned could end up reading it.
A lot of it is that I feel people just don't understand my illness & how much I need help. In the past I've had a lot of help but it's all sort of fizzled out & I feel like people have just given up on me. I try not to mind but sometimes it all just sort of bubbles up to the surface which is how I've got into argument with 'chief person concerned' who thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing when really what I'm making a fuss about isn't the issue, what is the issue is that I feel I need help.

Pain still bad but not as bad as yesterday & managed to sleep last night. P had arranged mountain of pillows &cushions so I could be more upright in bed. His cough seems a bit better as well. Got him to bring me porridge in bed this morning so I could take Ibuprofen then. It seems to take a couple of hours to work so the pain had eased a bit by the time I left for school. Bit of a panic this morning as couldn't find J's shoes or tie. In the end concluded he must have left them at school after basketball club yesterday. Just had to send him in tie-less & in trainers. Hope they are at school as he has a carol service at the church today. Parents who help in some way are invited including P as he's a governor. I think they should invite me on the basis that I would help if I could.
J had no clean shirts left at all so felt I'd better do some washing but real struggle to hang it up. It's really difficult at the moment as I can't lift with my left hand so that means 2 journeys rather than 1 to carry things across the room which is hard on my feet. I was thinking I can't ask anyone at church to help me because they're so busy with Christmas then I thought there's a certain irony in there somewhere.
P has just come home feeling rough so I take it back, he's not better.

Pain in rib is seriously bad! Couldn't sleep at all last night as couldn't get comfortable + husband coughing! I'm not unsympathetic but what I keep thinking is I don't want to catch it. Cracked rib + cough doesn't sound like good combination. Got back from school this morning closed eyes & woke up at 12.00!
Dad was meant to be coming for visit today but in view of my rib, P's lurgy & Dad having injured his ankle he's postponed it until after Christmas. What a healthy family we are!
I don't know if I mentioned that Dad had a load of tests on his heart & it was ok, so that's good!
Think we'll have to give cubs' carol singing through the village a miss. J won't be disappointed as he doesn't want to go. This is his last cubs event as 2 weeks ago we got told he's leaving & he's pretty cut up about it as he thought he'd got another term. He says he doesn't want to go up to scouts, not sure why but it's his decision. He also wants to give up basketball as 'it's all full of girls now' which is a bit of a shame as it's good exercise (& an hour off for me!).
I'm off to take some more painkillers.

Something bad has happened to me. I mentioned a few weeks ago I'd broken a tooth. Eventually I got round to going to the dentist & it was horrendous, the dentist spent nearly an hour working on it at the end of which she said 'That might work.' But it still didn't feel right so last Friday I went back to get it ground down some more. I parked the car & reached round to get the insurance form from the back seat. Somehow I overbalanced & hit my side on the edge of the driver's seat. There was a definite 'klunk' in my chest. That klunk was my rib cracking. A cracked rib is seriously painful. The doctor says there's nothing I can do except take painkillers & avoid activities that hurt it so I'm lying around doped up & feeling sleepy. What I was hoping to be doing this week was tidying up a bit as my Dad's coming to visit on Monday plus I need to get ready for Christmas. Help!

On Weds mornings I normally go to a coffee morning at church. This year the couple who run it suggested we all go out for a Christmas lunch which we did on Weds. It was really good, P came too so he could help transport elderly people. We had a really nice lunch, P & Becky had salmon, I had turkey. It's still a marvel to me that I can eat roast potatoes, yorkshire pudding etc with no bad effects. It's only 3 years since eating all that sort of stuff would make me really ill. I was in quite a lot of pain from rib but still had good time. One lady from church had knitted everyone a snowman with a Ferrero Rocher chocolate inside. I brought mine home for J who was thrilled with it. Had some difficulty getting one disabled man in & out of taxi but in the end P bodily picked him up & lifted him out which worked fine.
In the evening we went to J's carol concert. It was in the Anglican church & sadly where we were sitting we couldn't see J at all, or most of the other children either. We could see the orchestra though which was quite interesting. There wasn't anything like the drama of last year's performance when one little girl in the front row was violently sick. The whole evening was very good & the orchestra's performance of 'The Snowman' was really quite moving. Even when the hand chimers lost the plot in 'Silent Night' & ground to a halt they were still very sweet, standing there looking at each other & their teacher helplessly. Anyway what was really good was that J said his words really loudly & clearly. Even from our place at the side of the church we could hear every word. I'm so proud of him.

To update you on what happened with psychologist. We took J to her house Friday before last & she spent 2 hours putting him through tests while we went to Sainsburys which is nearby. (I got a complete shock when we went there because I didn't know it's been completely revamped & it's hardly recognisable. They've got an upstairs now with a nice cafe & a large clothes section. The only problem was that a large part of the car park is covered but where are the disabled spaces? Out in the rain!)
Anyway we went back & had a long talk with her & she was really nice. What she said was quite a shock though. She thinks J's problems are due to a form of Attention Deficit Disorder (not the hyperactive kind) and the main way to deal with it is though technology - using the computer & voice recognition programs & in exams he should be given extra time. She also said that his intelligence level is in the gifted range & in some of the tests he scored the maximum possible. It was noticeable that his working memory score was considerably lower than the others & probably accounts for his problems learning his times tables & that he doesn't always remember what he's been told. I didn't know that ADD could cause problems with writing but apparently it can.
I think she was the first professional who's ever completely believed us when we talked about J's problems ( & she never mentioned the words 'only child') but it's a bit daunting to think this is something he's could have to live with for rest of his life. I don't really know that much about it so I'm going to have to start doing some research. When we took J back into school his headmaster said that we could have a meeting with him & J's teacher to discuss way forward which is encouraging.
J has a few lines to say at school carol concert today. I told him to put words in his pocket just in case his mind goes blank. This happened at cubs concert last year. He & some of the others had written a play between them but when J came to say his part he couldn't remember it & stood there opening & closing his mouth helplessly. The trouble was none of the grown-ups knew the words so we couldn't help him & if the other cubs knew them they didn't say. Eventually it came back to him - huge sigh of relief all round.

Hi it's me back online again!
Our family safety filter is really efficient. It works by not letting you into the computer at all!
Actually it only took a couple of days to sort out & we can now get straight in about 1 in 4 times. The other reasons I haven't been on my blog recently are:

1) Got locked out of blog & couldn't remember password & hadn't got mental energy to go through process of changing it as suffering from general tiredness, lethargy & feeling like not doing anything at all.
2) Eyes been bad but now a lot better.
3) Up to neck in J's exams.

Perhaps I should just get over writing about the exams now because it's quite a painful subject, in fact it's very painful. So ok, J was doing 2 exams one for grammar schools & one for technology college. The scenario I expected was that J would come out of first saying it was really hard but sail though second. What happened was he came out of first really cheerful & saying it was lot easier than he expected ( I don't think that's any guarantee he's done well though). In previous years they've had comprehensions from the classics such as Thomas Hardy but in his paper they had a piece about latitude & longitude which was right up his street. Anyway over last week or so we've all 3 come to conclusion that school we really want him to get into is Technology College. On Saturday he did exam & came out almost in tears saying it had gone really badly. He has real problem filling in multiple choice answer sheets & we hadn't realised that that's what it was going to be. Therefore he hadn't managed to answer 16 of questions even though he knew answers. I asked teacher about format of exam when we went round & I'm sure he said it was circling the answers, of course he didn't realise relevance to J. I've been going on real guilt trip as I wish I'd found out more about it in advance & phoned up when we got psychologist's report & asked for extra time for him. The thing is I'm still trying to get used to fact he's got a learning difficulty & get my head round it all. I phoned up school yesterday & they said if I put it all in writing they would consider it. Probably if they're not prepared to be understanding about it it wouldn't have been right school for him anyway. Anyway I put phone down then burst into tears then sat down & composed letter & put psychologist's report in with it & sent J into post office with it after school. So that's that, all I can do now & I'm just going to have to make real effort to trust God that he will get into whichever school is right for him. 3 months until we find out!