Something good that happened last week:
I hardly ever, well almost never really, get to do the girly meeting up for coffee/lunch/going shopping sort of thing basically because it's too much hassle - asking someone if they want to meet me for coffee or lunch is asking them to pick me up, load the wheelchair in their car, drive me to wherever, unload the wheelchair, unload me, push me in and order/carry my food and drink. As well as this I didn't make many friends among the other mums because I was only able to go into the playground occasionally and that was in a wheelchair which doesn't encourage socialisation.
Since the leg business it's all been even more hassle - my social life is basically hospital, church and coffee morning at old church. I can't manage to get to the housegroup as the house is up a slope, up a step through a door tun left amd through another door. Anyway two of the women from the group suggested we meet up for coffee at a local golf and health club restaurant which is open to the public. P dropped me off and pushed me in and picked me up an hour later. It was lovely, it really was. And very kind of them.
Friday 23 October 2015
The new brace doesn't work out
Well the new knee brace arrived. It was a bit hard to get it on - P had to pull it up for me. It seemed really comfortable - at first. Then bit by bit the pain started, rapidly increasing to extreme pain. "Help me get this off" I yelled to P who thankfully was still at home.
There is a ring which goes round the kneecap leaving the kneecap itself open. Where the top part of the ring had been was bright red and the pain was bad. Really bad. And it went on being bad and when P had gone out to I had a sort of frustrated outburst and then just sat and cried because I'd wanted the brace to take the pain away and for me to be able to walk a little bit again and all that had happened was it had got worse.
"I do trust you but I don't understand," I sobbed to God.
The phone rang - it was one of our pastors calling to ask how I was. I admitted that I wasn't really all that ok and she prayed down the phone.
It just felt like God had got her to phone. It felt like He cared.
Yesterday the pain was still really bad and I stayed in bed most of the day and took painkillers and wore my original leg brace all night. This morning the pain was definitely less. I think the knee just needs a bit of rest.
There is a ring which goes round the kneecap leaving the kneecap itself open. Where the top part of the ring had been was bright red and the pain was bad. Really bad. And it went on being bad and when P had gone out to I had a sort of frustrated outburst and then just sat and cried because I'd wanted the brace to take the pain away and for me to be able to walk a little bit again and all that had happened was it had got worse.
"I do trust you but I don't understand," I sobbed to God.
The phone rang - it was one of our pastors calling to ask how I was. I admitted that I wasn't really all that ok and she prayed down the phone.
It just felt like God had got her to phone. It felt like He cared.
Yesterday the pain was still really bad and I stayed in bed most of the day and took painkillers and wore my original leg brace all night. This morning the pain was definitely less. I think the knee just needs a bit of rest.
Monday 19 October 2015
'I Want to Live These Days With You'
I'm sharing this - from a daily email devotional I get called 'Seeds of the Kingdom' because I found it really helpful the other day.
17 October, 2015
Today's Free Devotional from Ellel Ministries International
I Want to Live These Days With You
"Jesus promised, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”"
John 16:22, NIV
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian, spoke out against Hitler’s dictatorship, his euthanasia programme and the Jewish holocaust. At the end of 1944 he was in the main prison of the Gestapo condemned to death by Adolf Hitler. It was while he was in circumstances beyond anything any of us have ever experienced that he wrote these words in a prayer to God, ‘I want to live these days with You’.
Bonhoeffer was finally transferred to the concentration camp Flossenburg, where he was put to death, four months before the US army liberated Flossenburg. Bonhoeffer is now famous for a book he wrote called ‘The Cost of Discipleship’.
Recently his words ‘I want to live these days with You’, came to my mind. The words have since become my daily prayer, “I want to live this day with you, whatever it may hold.” The words are the title of a daily reading book containing Bonhoeffer’s writings which I read several years ago and have picked up again. Shortly before he died he wrote to a friend, ‘Only the suffering God can help’. His eyes were fixed on that suffering God, his faith firmly rooted despite the horrors he faced.
For each of us, at some time or other, there is suffering on the path of life. We have our times of sunshine and of shadow; times of joy and of sorrow; times of turmoil and of rest; times of strength and of weakness; times of fulfilment and times of being set aside; times when we long for God’s presence and times when He’s closer than the closest friend. None of us will escape the times when, above all else, we need the comfort and abiding peace of the suffering God who comes alongside with His presence and His grace.
Living each day with our Lord is the way to inner stillness and peace of heart and mind. It is to rest in the peace Jesus promised to His disciples. Peace independent of circumstances; peace dependent upon the fulfilment of His promise. So if the road you're travelling just now is rough, don't give up. Remember you are not alone because He has promised He will never leave you nor forsake you. The rough road will come to an end and the lessons learned on it can become a way of life for the future.
It’s easy to look at the circumstances and difficulties we’re caught up in and see them as overwhelming. What God asks is that we look at Jesus, surrendering to Him and praying for His perfect will to be fulfilled, whatever that may be, and even if it's not what we would choose. We’re not victims of our circumstances, but children of a compassionate Father, whose love is infinite and unfailing.
It’s futile to want our way instead of surrendering to His perfect plan. When we trust God to do what He chooses, rather than try to work things out ourselves, inner turmoil is replaced by the stillness of knowing that He’s God and we’re safe with Him. We desperately need Him.
To live each day with Jesus is to live a day at at time. His name is ‘I am’. It’s not ‘I was’ or ‘I will be’. We have the promise of His presence; the presence of our Saviour, Lord and King, who is also our best and heavenly Friend. Thus we receive the gift of peace and peace, a fruit of the Spirit, which is worked in and through us - a deep abiding peace.
Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, please teach me to live each day with You, trusting You with all the days that will follow, whatever they may hold. Thank You for the peace Jesus promised - the peace which banishes fear. I receive that peace as a gift today, thanking You for Jesus, who’s made the way possible for me to know You intimately. Thank You that I’m not a victim of circumstances, but I’m secure in You. Amen.
Today's Writer : Margaret Silvester Margaret Silvester had a career as a teacher prior to being called into full time Christian Ministry with her husband, David, in 1986. They were involved in establishing a Healing Ministry in the local church and Margaret has a passion to see lost and wounded people found and restored. She and her husband joined the Ellel Ministries teaching and ministry team in 2000 after a clear call from God. Margaret`s book "Stepping Stones to the Father Heart of God" has recently been published.
Related Links Click here to read Peter Horrobin`s blog
Today's Free Devotional from Ellel Ministries International
I Want to Live These Days With You
"Jesus promised, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid.”"
John 16:22, NIV
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a German theologian, spoke out against Hitler’s dictatorship, his euthanasia programme and the Jewish holocaust. At the end of 1944 he was in the main prison of the Gestapo condemned to death by Adolf Hitler. It was while he was in circumstances beyond anything any of us have ever experienced that he wrote these words in a prayer to God, ‘I want to live these days with You’.
Bonhoeffer was finally transferred to the concentration camp Flossenburg, where he was put to death, four months before the US army liberated Flossenburg. Bonhoeffer is now famous for a book he wrote called ‘The Cost of Discipleship’.
Recently his words ‘I want to live these days with You’, came to my mind. The words have since become my daily prayer, “I want to live this day with you, whatever it may hold.” The words are the title of a daily reading book containing Bonhoeffer’s writings which I read several years ago and have picked up again. Shortly before he died he wrote to a friend, ‘Only the suffering God can help’. His eyes were fixed on that suffering God, his faith firmly rooted despite the horrors he faced.
For each of us, at some time or other, there is suffering on the path of life. We have our times of sunshine and of shadow; times of joy and of sorrow; times of turmoil and of rest; times of strength and of weakness; times of fulfilment and times of being set aside; times when we long for God’s presence and times when He’s closer than the closest friend. None of us will escape the times when, above all else, we need the comfort and abiding peace of the suffering God who comes alongside with His presence and His grace.
Living each day with our Lord is the way to inner stillness and peace of heart and mind. It is to rest in the peace Jesus promised to His disciples. Peace independent of circumstances; peace dependent upon the fulfilment of His promise. So if the road you're travelling just now is rough, don't give up. Remember you are not alone because He has promised He will never leave you nor forsake you. The rough road will come to an end and the lessons learned on it can become a way of life for the future.
It’s easy to look at the circumstances and difficulties we’re caught up in and see them as overwhelming. What God asks is that we look at Jesus, surrendering to Him and praying for His perfect will to be fulfilled, whatever that may be, and even if it's not what we would choose. We’re not victims of our circumstances, but children of a compassionate Father, whose love is infinite and unfailing.
It’s futile to want our way instead of surrendering to His perfect plan. When we trust God to do what He chooses, rather than try to work things out ourselves, inner turmoil is replaced by the stillness of knowing that He’s God and we’re safe with Him. We desperately need Him.
To live each day with Jesus is to live a day at at time. His name is ‘I am’. It’s not ‘I was’ or ‘I will be’. We have the promise of His presence; the presence of our Saviour, Lord and King, who is also our best and heavenly Friend. Thus we receive the gift of peace and peace, a fruit of the Spirit, which is worked in and through us - a deep abiding peace.
Prayer: Dear Heavenly Father, please teach me to live each day with You, trusting You with all the days that will follow, whatever they may hold. Thank You for the peace Jesus promised - the peace which banishes fear. I receive that peace as a gift today, thanking You for Jesus, who’s made the way possible for me to know You intimately. Thank You that I’m not a victim of circumstances, but I’m secure in You. Amen.
Today's Writer : Margaret Silvester Margaret Silvester had a career as a teacher prior to being called into full time Christian Ministry with her husband, David, in 1986. They were involved in establishing a Healing Ministry in the local church and Margaret has a passion to see lost and wounded people found and restored. She and her husband joined the Ellel Ministries teaching and ministry team in 2000 after a clear call from God. Margaret`s book "Stepping Stones to the Father Heart of God" has recently been published.
Related Links Click here to read Peter Horrobin`s blog
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Physio and tears
The knee has been really troublesome over the last few days, so much so that I didn't make it to church yesterday. There has been a lot of leg elevating, ice packs, painkillers and a bit of a feeling of discouragement. Today was my physio appointment and I woke up feeling like I wasn't sure I could handle today - physically and emotionally I just wasn't in a good place but sometimes however you're feeling you just have to get on with it and P pushed me to the bathroom and left me there while he took J to school. I was just about washed and dressed when he got home an hour later and we set off for physio.
There was a disabled place available in hospital - yippee - unlike last time when spent half an hour cruising around before finding space up the road. I have a new physio because they do this thing where they rotate between different clinics, I'll call him Harry. Told him about all that's been happening although don't think we managed to convince him how much worse it's been feeling or how un-normal my muscles normally are. He said just because a movement causes pain doesn't necessarily mean it's causing damage which is reassuring isn't it? 'Nope' I thought. Anyway he did some gentle knee bending and massaged the place where my quads are meant to be. He said he could feel that there's movement in the knee joint so that's good and I need to do some bending every day even if it's only a bit and keep taking the painkillers.
My leg brace is heavy, klunky and uncomfortable partly, I think, because the designer didn't allow for the possibility of the wearer having bony ankles. The consultant said I can start taking it off which I do when I'm at home but the pain in my knee is noticeably worse and I can't manage to make any attempt at walking without the brace. I came across a blog called 'My Broken Knee Story' (cari-brokenknee.blogspot.com) and the author faced the same issue. She found a brace which fitted just over her knee which had adjustable hinges so the knee can be kept straight or allowed to bend as much as you want. The physio said it was ok to try it 'if it made me feel more secure' (does he mean physically or emotionally?). Anyway I've ordered one and just hope it will help. It seems a big jump to go from a great big leg brace to nothing. It's not all that cheap though.
The physio department is next to the 'stroke rehabilitation unit' and as we passed the sign it hit me that Mary didn't manage to rehabilitate from hers and I wasn't ever going to see her again. We stopped outside a computer repair shop and P took in one of the school (as in the one where he's governor) computers and I sat in the car and sobbed. Grief is a strange thing - it catches you unawares but one thing I've learnt in life is that if you need to cry it's better just to cry.
There was a disabled place available in hospital - yippee - unlike last time when spent half an hour cruising around before finding space up the road. I have a new physio because they do this thing where they rotate between different clinics, I'll call him Harry. Told him about all that's been happening although don't think we managed to convince him how much worse it's been feeling or how un-normal my muscles normally are. He said just because a movement causes pain doesn't necessarily mean it's causing damage which is reassuring isn't it? 'Nope' I thought. Anyway he did some gentle knee bending and massaged the place where my quads are meant to be. He said he could feel that there's movement in the knee joint so that's good and I need to do some bending every day even if it's only a bit and keep taking the painkillers.
My leg brace is heavy, klunky and uncomfortable partly, I think, because the designer didn't allow for the possibility of the wearer having bony ankles. The consultant said I can start taking it off which I do when I'm at home but the pain in my knee is noticeably worse and I can't manage to make any attempt at walking without the brace. I came across a blog called 'My Broken Knee Story' (cari-brokenknee.blogspot.com) and the author faced the same issue. She found a brace which fitted just over her knee which had adjustable hinges so the knee can be kept straight or allowed to bend as much as you want. The physio said it was ok to try it 'if it made me feel more secure' (does he mean physically or emotionally?). Anyway I've ordered one and just hope it will help. It seems a big jump to go from a great big leg brace to nothing. It's not all that cheap though.
The physio department is next to the 'stroke rehabilitation unit' and as we passed the sign it hit me that Mary didn't manage to rehabilitate from hers and I wasn't ever going to see her again. We stopped outside a computer repair shop and P took in one of the school (as in the one where he's governor) computers and I sat in the car and sobbed. Grief is a strange thing - it catches you unawares but one thing I've learnt in life is that if you need to cry it's better just to cry.
Mary moves on
My brother's mother in law, I'll call her Mary, passed away peacefully on Thursday night. My older niece had got the train home from uni and managed to get there in time to spend her last few hours with her. One of her grandsons was with her also as she went.
There is a lot to be thankful for - she had a long and very full life and she didn't suffer much pain or discomfort. Just before the stroke happened all her children and grandchildren were with her to celebrate her birthday. And she is now in a wonderful place.
There is a lot to be thankful for - she had a long and very full life and she didn't suffer much pain or discomfort. Just before the stroke happened all her children and grandchildren were with her to celebrate her birthday. And she is now in a wonderful place.
Thursday 15 October 2015
Two bits of sad news
Feeling sad.
My brother's mother in law, to whom we are quite close - she's been living with them for some of the time, had a stroke the day before her 90th birthday. She got her speech back pretty well but remained paralysed down one side and weak and tired and not able to feed herself very well. She was transferred to a nursing home and had actually started to pick up a bit recently but then got pneumonia and was moved back to hospital and put on antibiotics.
I just went on facebook and first read a message from a friend at church saying she had had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and then a message from my brother saying mother in law has been taken off antibiotics and is now having 'end of life care'.
One very long and very full life and one tiny little life hardly begun. Both very, very precious.
My brother's mother in law, to whom we are quite close - she's been living with them for some of the time, had a stroke the day before her 90th birthday. She got her speech back pretty well but remained paralysed down one side and weak and tired and not able to feed herself very well. She was transferred to a nursing home and had actually started to pick up a bit recently but then got pneumonia and was moved back to hospital and put on antibiotics.
I just went on facebook and first read a message from a friend at church saying she had had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and then a message from my brother saying mother in law has been taken off antibiotics and is now having 'end of life care'.
One very long and very full life and one tiny little life hardly begun. Both very, very precious.
Friday 9 October 2015
He's got an offer
J has had an off from a uni. Apparently they send out Maths offers very quickly. This is because they base them on predicted exam results and don't bother with personal statements or interviews. It's a very high offer but hopefully he can do it.
The Cambridge application process is tough, it really is.
Think we have to take attitude that the others are excellent unis. If he gets into Cambridge it will be really good but if he doesn't it's just fine. And trusting God that he'll end up in the place that's right for him.
The Cambridge application process is tough, it really is.
Think we have to take attitude that the others are excellent unis. If he gets into Cambridge it will be really good but if he doesn't it's just fine. And trusting God that he'll end up in the place that's right for him.
Knee setback
Having a bit of a setback with the knee as in has been painful, swollen and hot. Phoned physio and she said to rest it, elevate it and put ice on it. Apparently it can happen during rehab that knees become inflamed but as long as it's not red and swelling reduces with ice it's not serious. In the middle of the night I was trying to rearrange cushions to get knee comfortable and somehow banged my head on the wall. I just started crying in frustration - 'I'm just fed up with having things wrong with me' - pathetic or what?
This is just a blip, will get through it. Going to keep trusting God.
This is just a blip, will get through it. Going to keep trusting God.
Tuesday 6 October 2015
Bend knee bend
I don't manage to do much cooking but occasionally I manage a batch of brownies. The other day J said it was ages since I'd made any but when you're confined to a wheelchair with your leg sticking out it's not very easy. So on Saturday while P was out at a church leadership course I sat with the recipe book on my lap and J followed my instructions. It was actually a really nice time together and we did very well. Can't believe how quickly they disappeared. We had a few to have as dessert with ice-cream when my brother came to visit in the evening.
Next Saturday I think we'll do a sponge cake.
The bad thing that happened on Saturday was that in my eagerness to get my knee to bend I overdid the exercises and it's been hurting a lot. I've rested it for the last two days and started doing some gentle stretches today. I've had the brace off but wondering if I should put it back on for a while and then it would hurt less even though the brace is uncomfortable and squashes my leg a bit. I don't know. Getting this knee to bend is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Next Saturday I think we'll do a sponge cake.
The bad thing that happened on Saturday was that in my eagerness to get my knee to bend I overdid the exercises and it's been hurting a lot. I've rested it for the last two days and started doing some gentle stretches today. I've had the brace off but wondering if I should put it back on for a while and then it would hurt less even though the brace is uncomfortable and squashes my leg a bit. I don't know. Getting this knee to bend is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done.
The beginning of the leaving process
Well the uni application has finally gone in. Now it's a question of playing the waiting game. J has had an acknowledgement from one uni which was nice of them. Even nicer would be an offer.
Have been feeling a bit stressed about it all - there was a bit of a muddle over which Maths modules he was doing, he wasn't happy about something in a reference and asked them to change it, don't know if they did and different teachers were giving different advice about personal statement and some of it I wasn't sure was right but then I don't know what constitutes a good personal statement anyway (didn't do them in my day) and I just felt maybe I'd failed him in some way if it wasn't good enough.
I think this ties in with the whole letting go thing which can be a challenge for us mums - I've spent so many years feeling responsible for protecting him and making life as good for him as I can but the time has come when I have to step back and let him get on with it and make his own decisions and that is hard.
J is looking forward to uni and at the moment anyway he has no problem about leaving home and that's really good. When he goes there will be a massive gap in my life but I think now, with a year still to go, I need to think about how I'll fill it and not be just sitting around moping. Yes I will cry when he goes (hopefully not in front of him) but it will also be a new chapter for all of us with exciting opportunities.
Anyway these days with texting and skype presumably you can keep in touch a lot more than back in the days when you had to save up 2ps for a call box which smelt like a public loo and hold the crusty receiver 9 inches from your mouth and yell 'Hello Mum' then realise you'd called in the middle of the Archers so no-one wanted to talk to you anyway.
Happy days.
Have been feeling a bit stressed about it all - there was a bit of a muddle over which Maths modules he was doing, he wasn't happy about something in a reference and asked them to change it, don't know if they did and different teachers were giving different advice about personal statement and some of it I wasn't sure was right but then I don't know what constitutes a good personal statement anyway (didn't do them in my day) and I just felt maybe I'd failed him in some way if it wasn't good enough.
I think this ties in with the whole letting go thing which can be a challenge for us mums - I've spent so many years feeling responsible for protecting him and making life as good for him as I can but the time has come when I have to step back and let him get on with it and make his own decisions and that is hard.
J is looking forward to uni and at the moment anyway he has no problem about leaving home and that's really good. When he goes there will be a massive gap in my life but I think now, with a year still to go, I need to think about how I'll fill it and not be just sitting around moping. Yes I will cry when he goes (hopefully not in front of him) but it will also be a new chapter for all of us with exciting opportunities.
Anyway these days with texting and skype presumably you can keep in touch a lot more than back in the days when you had to save up 2ps for a call box which smelt like a public loo and hold the crusty receiver 9 inches from your mouth and yell 'Hello Mum' then realise you'd called in the middle of the Archers so no-one wanted to talk to you anyway.
Happy days.
Thursday 1 October 2015
1111 posts
When opened blog today saw that I had 1111 posts. Spoilt it now, it'll be 1112.
Can 'walk' a little bit without brace now as in can get around bathroom a little bit on my feet which definitely improves my quality of life.
J's UCAS application about to happen. He saw Maths teacher yesterday who suggested some changes to Personal Statement. I thought he might spend the evening working on it but instead he went to the cinema to see The Martian. He got up at 5.30 this morning to finish it.
It'll be a big relief when it's sent in. Then just a question of waiting and trusting in God that he'll end up where he's meant to be.
Can 'walk' a little bit without brace now as in can get around bathroom a little bit on my feet which definitely improves my quality of life.
J's UCAS application about to happen. He saw Maths teacher yesterday who suggested some changes to Personal Statement. I thought he might spend the evening working on it but instead he went to the cinema to see The Martian. He got up at 5.30 this morning to finish it.
It'll be a big relief when it's sent in. Then just a question of waiting and trusting in God that he'll end up where he's meant to be.
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