Don't know what to do

I just don't think it's nice, when I happen to say that I'm in a bad mood today for someone in my family to say 'Will we notice the difference?'

I'm not really in a bad mood, just a funny sort of mood, like I don't know what to do with myself & I don't quite know where my future's headed & not every aspect of life is totally making sense at the moment.

At 'other church' tonight there was a talk on trusting God, which is what I need to do, trust Him even when things don't make sense & the way ahead just seems to be fog.

At our normal church things for us just aren't really working out that well at the moment & I can't see a solution, we just seem to have a different viewpoint to a lot of other people. When we go to 'other church' we really enjoy it but J says he doesn't like it, apart from the monthly family housegroup which he enjoyed. He came along to the evening service tonight but sulked. Going to 2 churches is exhausting (I currently belong to 3 housegroups) but it's what we're going to have to do for a while.

J not wanting to go to church just hasn't happened before & it's really tough that he doesn't like this new church but at his age it might happen anyway wherever we go. He also said tonight he doesn't want to go to Faith Camp which he's loved for the last 3 years.

I just have to trust God that whatever His will for us is, He will work things out.

Today

Good thing about today: filled in & submitted my online self assessment tax return which I've been putting off for 11 months. Yay!!!

Bad thing about today: J had £6 stolen. Have told him to put his jacket in locker during PE, he said he'd lost his padlock, P said 'Why didn't you tell us you'd lost it?', J said 'I forgot.' P accidentally caught J with door handle, J said he did it on purpose & threw his jacket at him, I told him off, he threw his school bag on floor & grabbed a chocolate cookie from tin without asking & stomped off... Happy Days!

Curious thing about today: had emails from both HSBC & LLoyds saying there were problems with our internet accounts & we need to send them updates of our details. Interesting thing is we don't have internet accounts with HSBC or Lloyds.

Really good thing about today: Waitrose had a Thai supper for two with spring rolls reduced which I'm just about to eat. J has calmed down & is enjoying his breaded cod.

Hair cut

Before Christmas I had a hair cut that was a disaster. It looked really messy & turned under on one side & flicked up on the other. This morning I was passing a hairdresser that's bit more expensive (actually twice as expensive) as my usual one. I decided on a whim to go in & see if they could sort it out. The hairdresser said she had to cut quite a lot off to put it right, which turned out to be about 3 inches. It's shorter than I like really, I'm not totally sure that it suits me & P will probably hate it but the strange thing is now my hair swings. It's actually got movement which it's never had before. Perhaps a more expensive cut is worth it.
Physical appearance has been a bit of an issue recently as last Thursday our church put on a 'Colour Me Beautiful' ladies night. This is where they tell you which colours suit you & what style of clothes to wear. Years ago I want to something similar & was told I should wear warm colours. On Thursday there were a lot of us there & the speaker went round us all really quickly & said I was a 'Cool'. Apparently as we get older our skin tones can change. So now I'm really confused, feel all my clothes are the wrong colour & don't know what to wear any more. Help!

The Knife Hold: A Play in Three Acts; Act 1

Scene: kitchen on Monday evening.

Dad, going out of door to Co-op:
'J can you do the potatoes please.'
J: No!
Mum: how about I wash them and you chop them up?
J: OK

Short while later:

J: This is the special safe knife hold they showed us as at school. If you do it like this you can't cut yourself...Aaaagh!

J's thumb turns bright red.

J: I feel faint.
Mum: Put your head between your legs.

CRASH!!!

Act 2

J lying on floor, Mum leafing through first aid manual.

Mum: F for fainting...lie casualty on floor, raise their ankles... do not tell them to put their head between their knees as they could fall over.

J's colour gradually changes from white to pink.
Dad enters and bandages thumb. Flap of skin half hanging off but cut not deep. Blood still seeps through and drips onto shirt, floor, desk, computer keyboard...

Act 3

Tuesday morning while getting ready for school:

J: Mu..u..u..m
Mum: Yes?
J: I don't think I did that knife-hold quite right.

Water, water everywhere

We live at the top of a hill. At the bottom, on my usual route to school there is a bridge over a stream. Yesterday due to all the rain the stream had turned into a raging torrent running across the road. After going through the torrent a lorry had broken down. The resulting traffic chaos meant the morning school took me 2 hours. Aaaagh! Going through the flood water was quite scary, I wasn't sure I'd make it. Some dramatic scenery where rivers had overflowed their banks & turned into lakes.

Talking of water went in with J to his swimming lesson yesterday. The lessons got off to a bad start because he hated them, mainly because he had to be in the learner pool. Now he's gone up a class so he's in the big pool although he's still by far the biggest in the class. He is actually doing very well now & is quite fast.

Tunis cake

This was one of the cakes P made at Christmas. We ate it the day before Christmas Eve when my brother's neighbours all came round to sing carols. It's called a Tunis cake.

Weekend

What we did on Saturday night was go to a housegroup at the other church we've been trying out. This group is for families with children over 8. We had a meal & the children played games (J on the wii, surprise, surprise) then there was a time of worship & praying together for any issues we have in our family. It was a really nice evening & we met lots of nice people. The leader of the housegroup I went to on Friday was there & J was getting on well with her son. This family group only runs once a month, to J's disappoinment.
I've been to 3 housegroups this week, not sure I can keep up the pace.
Yesterday morning they had the Unity Service in the Village Hall which was packed out. Our minister was offering a chocolate to any child who answered a question, a lot of hands going up, funny that. Sat around a long time while P was packing up audio equipment. Yummy turkey casserole for lunch then lounged around doing Telegraph puzzle page & giving advice to J on Geography homework (not that I know much about Geography). In evening went to service at other church where we both felt perhaps God was saying something to us, but can't say what it was right now.

Caught in the act

Today should have been P's day off but they've got a rush on at work so he went in for a few hours. We both went with J to school then I hung round town while P was at work. I couldn't work out why the shops were shut then I realised it wasn't 9 o'clock yet. As J would say Duh! Not used to being in town that early. It was so wet & cold I went into M& S & got some tights then went into the loo & put them on under my jeans. They've just done up their restauant so it's much more spacious & easy to get round so I had a decaff cappuccino to warm me up as well. Then I got J some new socks. For the first time I got them from the Men's Dept - his feet are now size 8.
Then I got a purple handbag marked down to £5 with which I was really pleased but P says it looks like my last purple handbag, which it doesn't actually.
Having had enough of getting soaking wet I decided to head for the library, stopping to buy some almond marzipans from Thorntons on the way. The library happens to be near where P works & I was just scooting along popping a chocolate in my mouth when I heard my name being called & there was P. 'What are you eating?' he asked. Talk about being caught in the act.

My week

We've had so much rain here, the roads are almost but not quite flooded. On Monday my cleaner came & I did load of tidying. In the afternoon the Pastoral Care Team came for a meeting. They noticed & liked our new green glass splash backs which was good. Can't remember if I mentioned we'd got them. Then I picked J up from school & took him to library. On Tuesday I went to my usual housegroup which is where I got really frustrated but I'm not going to say any more about it now. In the evening I took J to his swimming lesson. His friend Tim was supposed to meet us at the pool after an after school club then come home with us as Becky his mum was taking older daughter back to uni. Trouble was club was cancelled & I got phone call from Tim saying he was on bus & would get off at our house. Of course we weren't at our house we were at swimming pool. Sigh. Got him sorted out in the end. On Wednesday we went to the Christmas lunch that was postponed because of the snow. Very nice but in spite of crackers & tinsel didn't feel like Christmas. My starter of smoked mackerel pate was just a bit too filling really but turkey & all the trimmings was yummy. Picked up J & after quick dinner P took him to piano lesson then went on to Unity meeting. On Thursday I had nice quiet day at home. J went to friend's house after school & didn't come back until 8.00. He had gone into sweet shop & spent next day's lunch money on mini-eggs & tic-tacs. Think he got a bit carried away by his taste of freedom - he & friend went home from school on train. On Friday went to new house group, they are such nice caring people, good to be back there. Watched dvd of someone called Joseph Prince. It was really moving somehow.
This morning got phone call to say an elderly man at our church, who used to be a minister there, had died. He had been unwell a long time & he slipped away very peacefully apparently. Will miss him though. Feel a bit sad.

So frustrated!

You know what it's like when some silly little thing happens & just a whole load of frustration erupts inside you & you over-react? That's how I feel right now. I just can't explain what it's all about, I don't even understand why I feel like this but I want to scream, in fact I have just screamed. I want to kick something but I can't, I haven't got the strength. Perhaps I'll just throw something instead.

Christmas

Ok this is what I did over Christmas. Despite the snow we set off for Wales. Had bad journey, heavy snow caused traffic jams. Finally got going on motorway when lorry driver started beeping & pointing at our tyre - puncture! Phoned Breakdown company - 12th in queue. P realised tyre not completely flat, managed to pump it off & get to tyre place a couple of miles away. Had booked place to stay in Shropshire, by time got there roads freezing & thick fog - scary! Hotel finally loomed out of fog looking like a scene from a Christmas card. Never so glad to see a hotel. Had nice meal & good night's sleep. Roads to Wales nice & clear until got to within couple of miles of my brother's when they were completely uncleared. Took wrong turning, ended up down little lane which petered out & we got stuck. Along came a truck & eventually towed us out. Set off again, a mile from my brother's couldn't get up hill. P & J set off for help leaving me alone in car. Along came a nice man in a landrover. Only way he could unstick me was to tow me backwards up hill. Yikes! But I did it & arrived triumphantly at my brother's place. Had really good Christmas day & Boxing Day except couldn't get car out to go to church & J went down with temperature on Christmas Eve although he was better for Christmas Day. I started feeling a bit unwell Christmas Day, took loads of paracetamol but a few days later symptoms more like full blown flu - very high temperature, very unwell, bad cough etc etc. J also went downhill a bit again. Anyway it ended up P & J went home leaving me behind for New Year feeling a bit like Cinderella. On the Sunday my brother was taking his mother in law home & took me along as well. On the way I started feeling really sick which was awful but when got away from hills felt better. A mile from mother in law's flat my brother's car broke down. Some friends of hers came & picked her & me up & took us to her flat. My brother got towed home, arriving at 4.30 am. P & J came the 50 miles to get me.
Apart from everything it was really nice to be with my family for Christmas, thank you for such a nice time if you read this.