Ouch

The knee has been doing better bending-wise as in 86 degrees at last measurement but last week it was painful and there were bruises where the wires are (I know - gross)  and I was miserable.

Sorry, being a bit pathetic here.

Pause while I put on 'super-brave I'm good at suffering face'.

Anyway I went to physio on Friday  and I thought he'd say 'You poor thing just have a rest for a couple of weeks and put your feet up.'

But no. He said there wasn't anything major going on and let's go into the gym.

Into the gym. Me who could hardly walk?

On the resistance machine?

Yep. We have to build up those quads. That's what he says. Keep doing the exercises., that's what he says. As long as the pain isn't above 7/10 and if it is put some ice on it. That's what he says.

If I don't manage to get some quads going my knee won't work properly even after the op and I'll always have a sort of hollow on the side of my thigh where the muscles have wasted and it's just not going to be ok.

So... right leg raise 1..2..3..4..5 hold 1..2..3..4..5.. repeat.... 1..2..3..4..5.......

Ouch.

It is difficult trying to build up muscles that just aren't, well, normal, that do strange unpredictable and painful things and I feel that nobody ever really understands what it's like (probably because they don't understand what it's like).

This thing happened though on the morning after the accident when I was lying on a trolley in the Day Stay ward with my leg in a temporary plaster on a pillow because there wasn't a space on the Orthopaedic Ward yet. I was wishing I'd brought a Bible in with me and I just asked God if there was any verse He wanted to give me and this one from Philippians came into my mind - 4:19:

'My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.'

So I'm holding onto that and believing that He will enable me to grow a satisfactory pair of quads, whatever it takes.
 

Wish I could do more housework

Well my brother arrived at ten past nine or 21.10, however you like to put it. The journey with Dad had involved over three hours of stops for food and drink so hadn't been a quick one. My brother had the meal we'd kept for him, we had a bit of a chat before bed and I got up early to have breakfast with him before he headed off for his work on Saturday.

At least the house is relatively tidy. I'm trying to do a bit of cleaning/tidying a day to keep on top of it. My life seems to be about trying to get a balance between living in utter chaos and wearing myself out trying not to live in utter chaos.

What would it be like to have nice strong healthy  muscles who could scrub and clean all day without planning to seize up and turn into throbbing lumps of pain?

M.E./CFS, whatever you like to call yourself, I totally loathe you. Why do you have to mess up my life like this? I'd like to smash you on the floor and stamp you to death and throw your miserable remains out of the window. That's what I'd like to do.

Talking of muscles...

Best laid plans...

Dad has been staying with my brother and the plan was that they would both travel down here and stay the night and we'd take Dad back home tomorrow. Then Dad asked if he could stay another night and we said fine, a bit more awkward as have to take him back after church on Sunday and get the feeling if he comes to church with us he wouldn't actually like it but be great to have him another day. They were going to meet up with my older niece and bring her here for a while before she got a bus or train back to uni.

Great, really looking forward to seeing them all. Doing lots of tidying and cleaning (ie generally knocking myself out, never mind), planning some nice food.

Then...

Dad had tummy bug, got over it but still weak and decided he wanted to go straight home and can't blame him really (and with J about to do exams and my health issues we didn't really want to risk catching it). This meant my brother took different route to Dad's house and I didn't get to see my niece. Still at least we'd see my brother so we still prepared nice food and I. who haven't cooked for ages, actually made some brownies. Well he is still coming but has been held up and isn't expecting to get here until nine o'clock tonight (21.00 as P would say). 

So disappointed.

Knee update

Well when I blogged back in October physio was going ok. But then just before Christmas it stopped being ok. This was because my physio couldn't seem to grasp that I had mobility problems before I broke my knee and that I needed to be in the wheelchair. He seemed to take the view that I was still using it just to annoy him. He got angry. He couldn't seem to understand when we tried to explain. He was still seething when we left. I went straight into (or should I say squeezed into - can't believe how small it is) the disabled loo and burst into tears.

I couldn't help feeling that I couldn't go back.

'Lord what do I do,' I prayed in the car. Immediately into my mind came a conversation we'd had with a friend who had hurt his knee the same time as me and found a private physio had made all the difference. But how would we afford it? In the mail that day was the renewal letter for the insurance we use for dental and optical charges. As I leafed through the booklet I notice that they would pay towards private physio. Wow!
It was a bit tricky choosing one and I screened out those who do acupuncture cos I'm just not into it. Then my friend Louise mentioned that the one in our village had helped her daughter's back so I gave him a try and it's been so much better than the NHS. I feel really bad typing this as I used to work for the NHS but sadly it's true and I think the other one was pushing me too hard and could potentially have caused damage.

Getting the knee to bend is still a long process but it's looking good and I'm walking a bit (unaided) now although I still use the wheelchair a lot. I am on the waiting list for surgery to remove the metalwork which is now beginning to cause bruising from the inside. It should be a much more minor op than the last one, maybe even a day-stay job. More hospital food? (Actually it wasn't that bad, just remember to avoid the macaroni cheese).

I'm managing to do a bit round the house now - sorting washing and tidying and cleaning a bit.

So yes things are looking up.

Update

Sooo... what's been happening?

Well we flew to Ireland in October. This was far from easy with the leg still being so immobile but the airline crew were wonderful and, with my leg stretched over two seats next to me we managed. We stayed in a different cottage to our usual one, which was very nice and cosy (we could afford it as it was off-season). The weather wasn't all that good but we had some nice relaxing days and P managed to go for a couple of walks. My relatives came over for a lovely meal cooked by P and we met up with them in restaurants a few times.

Jane's funeral was the week after we returned, her family gave such lovely speeches and a couple of the Irish ones played some fiddle music at the reception as their tribute to her. It was strange without her when we were in Wales for Easter. I especially thought of her when we went to church as we chose that particular one for her because she used to come with us and she was an Anglican. It is such a lovely church and the people are so friendly - some of them remembered us even though it was a year since we'd been. I just love the teaching and worship there as well.

The weather in Wales was interesting - some rain, some sunshine, some wind, some hail, some snow.

It was lovely to be with my brother and family at Easter and here's the exciting news - he's bringing my dad to stay on Friday - Dad's coming to see me. Things with my dad have not always been easy so I just feel so thankful that he's coming. It's been eighteen months since I saw him last. Been kind of having a bit of a tidy-up, well actually this started the day our house-group (or life-group as they call them at our church) was held at our house though in the end only one man turned up. It was nice though, we sat and watched a dvd and J was listening with one headphone off, and we all ate chocolate biscuits, talking of which weight situation not so good, let's just say 'Mum's weight loss chart' has a zig-zag aspect to it. Sooo... today has been non-sugar day. In fact I had got into a pattern of non-sugar days and was losing the flab then it all got de-railed by a home-made cake. Me and food, it just gets complicated.

What has also been complicated has been J's uni application, thought it was all sorted then he unexpectedly had another offer and it was quite a hard choice, however it's made now and he just needs to formally confirm his first and second choices. I counted up that we'd had twelve uni visits in total, including several 'post-offer' visits.

Is it any easier contemplating my boy leaving home. Nope. Excited for him but...

P meanwhile has been busy looking after me, ferrying J around, being Chair of Governors, doing audio at church and working on the house and garden. In fact our bathroom is very nearly finished. This is very exciting as it has been an extremely long time since I have had a completed bathroom.

So what else? Oh yes the leg, perhaps I'll devote a whole post to the leg.

Back again

Hello.

It's been a while. Like almost six months.

I can't really explain it but when Paris happened I couldn't blog for a while. I just couldn't find the words. Then 'the while' turned into quite a long while.

Now I'm starting again but since the last time I blogged everything has changed, we're in a different place and we can never go back  to where we were.

Yet somehow in the face of the awful things happening in the world and an increasingly uncertain future our daily lives go on.

So this is me, just writing about my life. And I know that whatever happens, good or bad, God is with me, I am never alone.