Knee doing so well

Sooo I went to the hospital, my usual consultant wasn't there so I saw one of his side-kicks who had been reading my notes and was expecting me to still be in a load of pain and still hardly able to bend my knee and was astonished at how well I'm doing. "I was going to send you to x-ray" he said "but I'm going to send you home instead."

Wow.

Friday was my last physio appointment.

Still a bit of a way to go before my knee is completely healed but it is doing so well (current bend 115 degrees).

Thank you Lord.

Update

Sorry been a bit of a blog gap. 

During this interval we went to visit J and had a lovely time with him, in fact it felt as if we'd never been apart. We did what most uni visiting parents seem to do - took him some frozen home cooked food, took him out to a restaurant and then to a supermarket to get some shopping. He seems to have settled in and to be enjoying uni life. I don't want to say too much about him cos he probably doesn't want me to. If you read this J I'm really proud of you.

I also have been properly pedalling on the exercise bike at physio. It felt great - like being back on a real bike again and speeding downhill. In fact he says I'll only need one more physio session. Can't believe I've made it this far. It feels a bit like a dream. I'm going to see the consultant at the hospital soon, hoping he'll sign me off. There are a lot of really good things about our local hospital (the best being the coffee shop) but I'd kind of like to stop being a patient there.

After the physio yesterday I meant to rest today but instead I ended up vacuuming our bedroom and overdid it, just hope I don't suffer for it.

Pedal power

Well today I must admit I have been missing J. We have texted each other, we have even spoken on the phone but I still miss him because he's not actually here. Today he's been to a lecture, cooked a couple of meals, bought two house plants and is now out enjoying himself. He's fine, he's in a new exciting phase of life and I've been suddenly propelled into a new phase too in which I had all sorts of plans to be positive and proactive and get on with things but mostly I've felt exhausted and like it's all a bit unreal.

Anyway something really good happened today. I went to physio. I went in the gym. I went on the exercise bike on which I have been pedalling part of the way round then gone part of the way round the other way but couldn't imagine doing a whole revolution cos it would hurt so much. But today I was getting almost there and then my physio was saying "Go on you can do it keep pushing" (has he ever thought of being a midwife?) and then it happened - I did it - I pedalled all the way round! I mean wow! I can pedal a bike! It hurts but like he says "It's only pain."

Yay!

The possibilities...

Over the Severn

This was us returning from Wales to England blissfully ignorant of the traffic jams ahead. It was nice to spend time with my family in Wales. Wish we lived closer.

Nice view?

The view from the cabin could have been a bit better though.

Good time in Ireland

This is Glendalough in Ireland. It's a very beautiful place and I've been there many times, the last about ten years ago. We went there with my uncle when we were over a couple of weeks ago and it had changed dramatically - there is now a visitor's centre with some very interesting displays and the tourists were arriving in coach loads. With so many people from different countries it was interesting comparing different nationalities and I have to say the Irish were by far the friendliest although the Americans scored pretty highly on helpfulness. Anyway, after those sweeping generalisations made from such a small sample, we had a very nice time in Ireland and it didn't rain until our very last day when it rained. We had several interesting days out and visited an exhibition on the famine and a workhouse museum and learnt some more about some of the terrible things that have happened in Ireland's past. Something I found really hard was how they split families up in the workhouse. I mean why? I know they wanted life to be harder in there than it was outside but why be that cruel?

When learning about Irish history it sometimes feels really strange being half English and half Irish.

Anyway as well as that we saw some beautiful scenery, wandered round lovely gardens and ate a lot of delicious food (love the food in Ireland), met up with family in a posh hotel in Dublin, me not having any smart clothes with me so turned up in my fleece, said an emotional goodbye to my 86 year old uncle, stayed in a really nice B&B on the last night so we'd be closer to the ferry and as the boat pulled into the harbour I saw my first ever seal and dolphins.

All in all a good time.

Chocolate making

Well I managed the 40 days without chocolate. I hoped that would give me a permanent dislike for the stuff but it hasn't quite worked out like that. In fact yesterday I made some which turned out to be delicious but very strong and rich (cocoa content about 100%) and I think is probably healthier than the bought stuff in that there is less sugar, no unnecessary 'artificial ingredients', must have lots of anti-oxidants and it's so rich you can't eat very much.

I love cooking but I always end up walking around the kitchen more than I should and my feet ache afterwards, in fact last night they felt like they were on fire and I got up at 2 am and put them in a bowl of cold water. What I'm wondering is if I could rearrange things in the kitchen so that I don't have to walk so much.

This evening we went to the cinema, I don't know why we thought going in the rush hour was a good idea and we ended up having a coffee and going into the next viewing because we were so late. Then we came home to an empty house which felt very strange. Then I watched Bake Off and fell asleep so I think I'll have to watch it again, or maybe not.

J off to uni

Quite a lot has happened over the last few weeks like we've been on holiday - to Wales and Ireland - and we've dropped J off at uni.

It was pouring with rain when we got to the uni but we were pleased that he had a downstairs room near the entrance with a disabled parking space right outside. On a good day I could even walk in. He has a very nice room with a large desk and an ensuite bathroom (wasn't like that in my day). He was soon happily assembling his computer and it wasn't too much of a problem that we hadn't brought the extension lead - when I saw it on the ironing board I thought someone had just forgotten to put it away - oops. Actually the couple of days between getting back from holiday and going to uni were a teeny bit on the chaotic side especially when we couldn't find his vaccination card which proves he's had the meningitis jab which he needed to bring. However the night before he went I woke up at 2 am and realised I'd actually put it in the new file I'd got for his documents but in a slot at the back then I'd labelled another slot 'medical'. Sigh.

I and most people who know me have been quite reasonably expecting me to be a soggy heap sobbing in a corner at this point in my life and it is hard - I was a bit weepy when we said goodbye and even though I was in the act of texting him as I walked through our door into a J-less house I still burst into tears. But seeing how happy and excited he was and what a nice room he's got has made it easier. I get these moments though when it just sorts of hits me that he's not here any more.

We have had a lot of texts - relating to what should he have for dinner, how to fry an egg, which church he should go to (settled on what he called a 'sort of Anglican one'), and er... how to wash up. Ok, we have a dishwasher,  when confronted by a sink, a sponge and a bottle of washing up liquid he didn't know what to do. Wonder if that qualifies me for some sort of bad mother award.

Chocolate update

I think it's only ten days to go now and I'm hanging in there.

Knee update

Knee is doing well. Saw physio on Friday and he was really pleased with it. Also had dressing changed so I saw the clips - like a line of about 20 metal rings, all very neat and the wound is healing well so all looking good.

Endings and beginnings

I really do love this time of year and it's showing signs of being an amazing autumn.  September always has a sense of excitement for me perhaps it's linking back to school days when at the beginning of each new year I would think 'Perhaps this year it will be better.' Sometimes it was, sometimes it quite spectacularly wasn't (thinks of Sixth Form Biology teacher and shudders).

Well we have a new beginning coming up as J will soon be heading off to uni which is hugely exciting for him but sort of mixed feelings for me. I will miss him hugely and have had some wobbly moments when I wallow in thoughts like 'It's the end of his childhood, have I done enough to equip him for the big wide world and I wish I'd been healed before he grew up (bit of an ouch one that). Then I get a grip and ok, I will be sad when he goes, there will definitely be moments but there is a huge amount for which to be thankful  - that he has the opportunity to go to uni for a start. I met a woman in hospital recently and something terribly tragic had happened to her family, so sad that I thought 'I'm going to pray for you every day for the rest of my life' and well, her daughter will never have that chance to go to college.

So keeping things in perspective he's off to uni, I'm really thankful and happy for him and we are going to visit him a few weeks after he starts (to take him anything he's forgotten) so it's really just a separation for a short time and before we know it he'll be home for Christmas. 

And in a way it is a new beginning for us too. And we have plans.

Operation day

Well I turned up at the hospital at 7 am for my operation. The anaesthetist came and saw me. The consultant came and drew an arrow on my leg to make sure they operated on the right one. A nurse came and 'admitted me' . I changed into my natty hospital gown and got into bed and started reading my book.

Another patient, 'Sheila', turned up and after a brief chat fell fast asleep.

I carried on reading.

Three hours later another patient arrived and was quick to get into her gown and into bed. Sadly the hospital were almost as quick to cancel her operation. She was in her gown, in bed and they cancelled her. I told her that I'd previously been cancelled so she would understand why they'd chosen her instead of me and reassured her they had to do it within 28 days as she was already in hospital. Felt so sorry for her.

Lay there reflecting that if more trauma cases turned up I too could be cancelled. Snuggled under the sheets in the hope that the bed manager wouldn't notice me.

Then read some more. Thanks Bill Bryson for making me laugh.

Hours passed.

Sheila went to theatre.

I read some more.

I grew hungrier.

I read some more.

I tried to sleep.

I read some more.

I grew hungrier and thirstier.

I read some more.

I began to feel really weak,

A nurse came and said they had started the afternoon operations.

I read some more.

I heard someone come into the ward and call my name. Yes! I put my book away and rescued my pillow which had fallen on the floor.

Anothe patient was wheeled past the door. It must have been somebody with a name similar to mine. I picked up my book. A woman in a blue theatre gown walked in:

"I've come to take you to theatre."

It was eight hours since I'd come in, twenty one hours since I'd eaten and nine and a half since I'd had a drink. I wasn't at my best but I had to have an operation.

After a quick journey to the theatre a cannula was put into my hand and a cold liquid sensation began to travel up my arm...

I half opened my eyes.

"Your arm's gone blotchy, must have been when we put the morphine in," a blue-gowned man was saying.

Who was he, where was I and why did it matter if my arm was blotchy?

"My knee hurts!"

More injeccting of drugs, more muttering then whizzing along the corridor to the ward.

More drugs, pain still bad. 

"You're staying in tonight," said a nurse.

Consultant appeared at the end of my bed.

"My knee hurts, you told me it wouldn't hurt but it's as bad as when I first broke it."

At this point I was a bit 'off my head' with all the painkillers.

"Well I did take out the metalwork, bent it to 130 degrees and there was a lot of scar tissue which ripped," he said as if to say what did you expect?

 "130 degrees?"

He'd said he'd bend it a little.

"Stay in tonight," said the consultant.
"Told you," said the nurse.

So I stayed in overnight in a bay with Sheila and another lady called 'Pat' and  P and J came in to see me and eventually the pain was under control and I got some sleep but kept being woken up (why did the staff have to talk so loudly?) and the nurses were lovely and Sheila and Pat and I got on really well and my blood pressure crashed in the morning and there was a frustrating episode with a physio who could hardly speak English and bullied me a bit, well quite a lot I think, even though she didn't seem to know anything about me at all but I won't go into that. I had roast chicken for lunch then P came and got me and I asked the nurses about after-care and exercises and they said to go and get the clips taken out in twelve days and I'll have a follow up appointment at the end of October and I asked about exercises and they looked blank then said "Try and bend your knee a bit and if it hurts you've overdone it."

I looked on another hospital's website and they give patients who've had my op seven pages of advice and exercises.

Anyway it hurt a lot for a couple of days, I felt sick and dizzy until yesterday. Now it hardly hurts, the horrible sharp stabs of pain have gone. The bruising is beginning to come out so it's multi-coloured. I am exercising my quads and bending my knee as much as possible using ice and heat as necessary but managing without painkillers. Feeling confident that it will bend more and more as the internal swelling and bruising goes down.

All in all looking good.

Thank You Lord. 

Operation tomorrow

Operation tomorrow. 

Trying to imagine how my leg will feel like afterwards. Will there be much pain? What will it be like without the pins and wires in it? Will I be able to bend my knee better?

Watch this space.

Lunch with a friend and I can make pyjamas

Yesterday met up with a friend from previous church for lunch. Meeting up with people not at all simple when you have mobility issues but P drove me to town and he and J went off to lunch elsewhere and to do a bit of shopping for uni. I was able to use my scooter to get to cafe and had a great time together and said must do it more often. Yay.

P and J got kitchen stuff they wanted but didn't do so well on clothes - not easy when you have 37 inch legs. I offered to make J some pyjamas and they both laughed. I can. I can make pyjamas. Talking of which, after a lot of issues - like that when I first tried them on the wouldn't go over my hips, I finished making my trousers and, after some modification, they are very comfortable.

Birdsong

Here is a video in which I tried to record the birds singing. Crunching noise at the end is the wheelchair beginning to roll before I'd finished.

Lovely day in late summer

Funny how one person's walk on a late summer day laughing at the dancing butterflies, marvelling at the irridescent wings on the dragonflies and transported almost to another dimension by the shimmering sparkles of light on the water is another person's boring old reservoir with nothing to do.

I told you you could stay at home if you wanted.

Said person rather mollified by fish and chips and ice cream and finding a really good buy in a second hand bookshop.

Day 21

Day 21 and hanging in there. Did find myself looking longingly at a packet of Revels but doing ok.

Day 13

Day 13 of '40 Day No Chocolate Challenge' and doing fine.

Blue flower

This is a pretty flower photo just because I haven't posted any pretty flower photos for a while.

Glad they're out of the way

I really think A-levels are the most stressful exams for everybody involved. There seems to be something more unpredictable about them these days, somehow being clever plus hard work doesn't always equal success like it used to. Glad that's all over now.

A friend said that while they're at uni is actually a nice calm time after what's been before and what's still to come (???) and you can enjoy going out doing things as a couple and go and stay near them and have a little holiday as well as visiting them. Glad J's uni is in quite a nice area.

He is sooo excited about uni and even doing a bit of work for his course - learning a new computer language. It seems so obvious now that this is the right course for him.

J's list

J's list of what he needs at uni:

computer

The day arrives

So yesterday was exam results day, probably the most important results day of his life and it turned out to be far more stressful than I'd imagined.

I had thought there were three possible scenarios:

1) Got grades he needed to get into chosen course  firm choice uni

2) Hadn't got grades for firm but had got good enough for insurance so went there

3) Hadn't got good enough for either, hadn't really got a plan for that

Sooo... I woke up at 4 am (having slept ok due to some late nights watching olympics). Other two slept like logs. Made J his favourite breakfast of scrambled eggs. Went to school, suggested we went in with him, didn't go down very well, said he'd text, he did and he'd got very good grades but in order to get into firm choice there was another exam he'd taken and he had to log on to the computer to get the result. He'd refused to do this before we left so we still didn't know if he'd got in. We had a delay while he was in the school photo and getting congratulated then, feeling increasingly nervous (me that is) we headed home, J trying unsuccesfully to log in on phone. 

Got home, logged on, he hadn't passed. Logged on to UCAS, he mistakenly thought firm choice had rejected him but his Maths module marks had been so good I thought 'they can't'. 

"You have to phone them and tell them your marks, they might not actually know them (just the overall grade)."
"I can't".

Finally he agreed and they said they hadn't totally rejected him they were thinking about whether they'd take him and if they hadn't phoned back within 8 hours (!) to call them.

We just hadn't foreseen this possibility.

I tried to get hold of a teacher to ask if they could  put in a good word for him but couldn't so just sat there praying and texting a few people to ask them to pray..

Two hours later he got a call - they couldn't take him on course he'd applied for but could offer him a different course - basically combined maths & computer science and seemed quite keen to have him. They emailed him some information and asked if he could decide as soon as possible. 

As we looked at it we all realised that this course was just him and it will probably suit him better than the other.

So all sorted and turned out all right in the end. Thank You Lord.

Blueberry cream

This is also Day 5 of the no-chocolate challenge and it had its good moments and its wobbly ones too.

Good moment: weighed myself and have lost three pounds!

Wobbly moment: when P & J were eating yummy Hotel Chocolat chocolates in front of me and I just wanted to grab the blueberry cream and eat it. I mean J doesn't even like blueberries and there he was putting it in his mouth.

But I didn't. Which sort of makes it into a good moment I suppose.

Even more wobbly moment: sewed up side seams of trousers I'm making and tried them on or rather tried to try them on because I couldn't get them over my hips. I'm still too fat.

Plan: let out seams a bit
        put in a zip instead of elastic
        lose more weight

Sigh.

Still waiting

Plan A: gets into firm choice uni. Yay.

Plan B: gets into insurance choice uni. Still yay, it's a good place.

Plan C: he won't talk about it.

So Thursday could either go very well  or...

Waiting

This may seem like a normal Tuesday but it's not.

This is the Tuesday two days before the exam results.

I didn't know that waiting for your child's results can feel as bad as waiting for your own.

And the newspaper article saying this year's A-level results will be the unfairest yet really helps.

Knee update

Meanwhile the knee situation has been worsening - sharp stabs of pain and hardly able to bend it. Have heard nothing from hospital despite consultant saying he'd try to bring operation forward. Trouble is all the hard work I did in the physio gym is now being undone. All I can do is straight leg raises to strengthen my quads.

Yesterday I tried phoning the hospital. I tried two different secretaries and the waiting list manager but just got through to answephones. The waiting list manager's message was 'this phone will not be answered in the foreseeable future'. This, together with the Telegraph article about the NHS - waiting lists at worst ever - kind of made me feel that there isn't all that much hope of my op happening any sooner.

Trusting God. He'll get me through this and somehow it will be ok.

Staying away from the cocoa bean

So why is it that for 40 days I'm going without this:

Because it seems that whenever I'm doing well with cutting down on sugar/ losing weight someone gives us some delicious chocolate and I end up eating it. The other night I had a sort of  'I can't stop eating chocolate' meltdown and then I had a thought:

'I can stop eating it. My life isn't controlled by chocolate, it's controlled by Jesus.'

Then I remembered the course we're doing in our housegroup - the Grace Course by Freedom in Christ Ministries.  This includes a 40 day 'Stronghold Buster' in which for 40 days you reject whatever lies are holding you into wrong behaviour and replace them with truth. So I reject the lie that I can't give up chocolate and I declare that I am more than a conqueror (paraphrase of Romans 8:39). And I thought while I'm doing that I won't eat any of the cocoa bean stuff.

For 40 days.

None of the yummy bars of chocolate Melanie gave us. Nor any of the' Hotel Chocolat Tasting Club' box Mavis gave us. No chocolate biscuits or pudding or cake. No Magnums (or should that be Magna?), not even a mint one, or any form of chocolate ice-cream. No hot chocolate. 

Can I do it? Yes I can.

Three days in.

Doing ok.

Update

So here I am 10 days later having:


been to Faith Camp for a day - awesome

been to Ellel Pierrepont for a one day course - again awesome

been for another day out

had a bit of a situation with trousers that wouldn't do up - must have shrunk

been to church picnic

decided to give up chocolate for 40 days - can I really do this - yes

started making some new trousers (having not made an item of clothing since I made maternity clothes 19 years ago)

decluttered and sorted loads of paperwork, organised greetings cards and stationery into folders  

been out this morning to church ladies' breakfast at local Wetherspoons - 'Eggs Royale' yum

been waking up each mornng acutely aware of how longit is until A-level Results Day

Yummy food and beginning to wonder if...

Last night our friend Melanie came round for dinner. For once I didn't totally exhaust myself tidying up. This was because a) since doing so much decluttering we are starting from a better base and b) I decided to be sensible, delegated a lot of it and lay down and had a rest after lunch before cleaning the bathroom and preparing the table.

P and J between them produced Chicken with Apricots - a Madhur Jaffrey recipe:

 - and a chocolate and cherry dessert which was a River Cafe recipe. Both totally delicious and we had a lovely evening together. Such a shame she is soon going back to America but she is coming back for a visit next year and has already booked another meal with us. 
  I've always wanted to go to America and a hint of plan is beginning to form...

Another day out

I have this new resolution to stop pushing my body too hard, It's a difficult balance because I need to try and do as much activity as I can manage without overdoing it but there is a point when I go into 'driven' mode and know I'm doing too much it and is it reasonable to expect my body to heal if I'm doing that? It is hard though when this means stopping doing something half way through and asking othe rpeople to do things for me when I feel I can do them better etc etc

Anyway we went out today, had a nice 'walk' along the banks of an estuary, saw a swan family, went into a cafe where they hadn't got the drinks any of us wanted and P said we'd leave (I'd have just stayed and drunk what they had got but he was probably right - why spend money on what you don't want?) then we found a better cafe and had a light lunch - smoked haddock pate was delicious but can still taste it. Then P went for a little walk and J and I stayed in car and I had a little sleep then P suggested ice-cream and I had an Almond Magnum which was nice but then I regretted it then we went round an interesting museum then we 'walked' round a bit more of the estuary and it was lovely and sunny.

When I get better

In spite of the list provided by J in the previous post we headed off to Ikea today armed with a money off voucher. We went with the intent of buying him for a few things for uni on the basis that, though we still don't know his exam results (17 days to go!) he is almost certainly going to go somewhere.

"You don't need me to come with you do you?" he said.

One teenager dragged into car. Fish and chips and Swedish cheesecake later and he was feeling a bit more co-operative and got quite enthusiastic about choosing spatulas, and a pizza cutter and baking tin and mulling over mixing bowls and knives. Must be more stuff he needs just can't think of it all now. Have already got him some saucepans. He can have some of our spare stuff anyway. We have plenty of stuff.

Talking of which I have done masses of decluttering of late, which is probably why I am so exhausted. I'm beginning to actually see the effects though.

My knee did not behave well today - there were several embarrassing "Youch!" episodes in Ikea. Had to rest when got home.

You know what I'd really like to be able to do? Go to Ikea and just wander round all by myself.

Well there's several other things I'd like to do as well. When I get better.

J's list

J's list of what he thinks he needs at uni:

Computer.

Praying for feet

Yesterday I didn't feel like going to church but I went. The man who was meant to preach wasn't there as his wife is in hospital so we just had a very short talk. The pastor had stuck tape in a circle on the floor and he got the children to scatter some pieces of paper with Bible verses on them inside the circle. We were then to go up and choose one. I could see one from where I was sitting: 'I am the Lord who heals you' (Exodus 15:26) and I hoped that whoever picked one for me would get that one. Sure enough my friend Melanie chose that one for me.

We then got in small groups and prayed for each other. There was a time this would have terrified me but it's ok now and good to pray for each other's needs. They asked if I wanted prayer for my knee but I somehow felt they should pray about my feet which were hurting as ever. They still hurt but watch this space.

Not a good day

Today was a crash day. As in a day when the M.E,/CFS gets the upper hand and my muscles turn to jelly and my brain is full of feathers. As in can't do anything much physical, can't do anything much intellectual. As in end up in bed watching cat videos.

I knew though, I knew I had been pushing myself too hard but I still did it, thought I'd get away with it, didn't. Several insomnia nights and too much activity .Hope I'll get over it quickly.

Have got a bit of a runny nose. Last thing I need when operation might be soon.

Any cold viruses trying to attack me you can just shrivel up and die.
 

Thanks J

For Mothering Sunday this year J gave me some lily bulbs. This is one of them in bloom.

Ouch

Today is the anniversary of breaking my knee. If I could go back in time I would do that day a bit differently - not go into the bedroom to change my shoes, not put my slipper boots on, pick up that bag from the floor before it could loop itself around my ankle... 

But here I am a year on and in a lot of pain at times. The operation was meant to be July 2nd, I was all psyched up for it, doing the Octenisan anti-bacterial regime - showering and washing my hair in special stuff and clean flannel, towels, nightwear, bedding and clothes every day, well I do normally put on clean clothes but the rest... a lot of laundry. Anyway there I was the afternoon before, dressing gown washed, most of my stuff packed, trying to stay calm when the phone rang - the operation was cancelled. Only good thing about this was that my brother was visiting so I could enjoy his company, eat a big dinner and go to bed late.

I expected the new date to be soon but it's in September. In the mean time I've been getting agonising stabs of pain in my knee  - so bad that I cry out however hard I try not to. The physio has strapped it up which has helped but he said to take strapping off when I saw consultant yesterday - cue a yowl of pain in the waiting room when P accidentally jiggled wheelchair.

I went into the consultant's office.

"What are you doing here? Why haven't we operated on you?" he asked

 He was really angry that I'm had to wait so long - six months wait to do such a quick and simple op is ridiculous he said and there were some dark mutterings about waiting list managers. Anyway he was very apologetic and said he will do his best to hurry it up.

The cause of the pain was evident on the x-ray - a hook that has rotated out of its original position. Ouch. Very ouch actually.

Apart from straight leg raises I'm not to do any more physio exercises as hook will just be scraping against cartilage.

Roll on the operation.

No words

Another blogging gap and in that time truly terrible things have been happening in our world.

There are no words...

The Wrong Jar and Pizza

Last night wasn't good. Pain that the tablets couldn't control and still awake at 4 am.

In the middle of the night I had a thought: That decaff which seemed to taste nicer than normal, of which I drank two large mugfuls yesterday, was it really decaff? Have I been using the wrong jar?

"Yes" said P this morning "here's the decaff jar at the back of the cupboard, that one at the front is ordinary coffee."

So no wonder I couldn't sleep. That coffee tasted so good though.

Today J had no exams and P was invigilating. He dropped us off in town (me with my scooter) and J and I headed for Pizza Express where it was two for one on mains. A nice bit of mother-son time and, apart from one shower, a lovely sunny day.

From now on the exams come thick and fast.

Yawn

Insomnia has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. It's all a bit of a long story but I avoid caffeine and try and stay off the computer and mobile after nine o'clock. However last night when we were having the storm I just wanted to check if someone who's on holiday was also getting the storm and ended up on the laptop until about ten o'clock.

Logically having done that it would not have seemed a good night to have tried to go without my usual painkillers but that's what I did. About 4 am with the birdies beginning to sing I finally took some co-codamol to ease my throbbing feet and got to sleep.

So today I feel zonked.

As I get older it just seems harder and harder to cope with lack of sleep.

And why do my feet hurt? And why have they hurt for twenty two years?

Nobody knows.

Just some sort of post-viral thing, some sort of M.E./CFS symptom, that's all they can come up with.

Fruit pastilles and lightning

Last night we had a storm which went on for an hour. Wonder if I'll ever grow out of counting the time between the lightning and the thunder. P says it's 4.5 seconds to a mile.

J is doing some work for his chemistry exam tomorrow. Brings back painful memories of when I failed my chemistry A-level the first time (what I mean is I failed it the first time I took it, exonerated myself the second time). Sitting there, only able to attempt three questions out of twenty and they were pretty much guesses then eating my fruit pastilles while the invigilator glared at me and feeling like my life was in a mess.

Just make a better go of it than I did J.

And please understand why I keep nagging you to work. 

You don't want to end up with a life-long aversion to fruit pastilles.

Better than it used to be

Looking back over my blog over the last few years there are three things I have been constantly trying to do: get better, lose weight and declutter. I could possibly feel a bit discouraged as I am still trying to do those things but...

Well where the weight is concerned I am a stone lighter than I was at my heaviest which is good (and most of my t shirts are too baggy now). It seems to be a battle to manage to lose any more though, not helped by the enforced inactivity due to breaking my knee cap.

Where my healing is concerned there are ways in which I don't seem to be any better there are other ways in which things have improved. The hand arthritis is not quite so bad and I have managed to cook a little bit recently. I am typing this rather than using a stylus so yay!

A lot of the M.E./CFS symptoms are less than they were but still the pain in my feet remains the most limiting. I think the physio I'm having for my knee is helping my general functioning though as he's showing me how to stand and walk properly.

What any of you who have been following my blog won't realise is that while writing it I have gone through several episodes of depression which has been severe at times. That situation has definitely improved although I do have bad days at times it's not anything like it used to be.

As for the osteoporosis, apart from the knee, which I think would have fractured even if I hadn't had ostoporosis as I fell so heavily, I haven't had a break since I've been on the new drug.

So yes God is good, He's on my case and I'm definitely moving in the right direction with it all. 

As for the decluttering (we being a family of hoarders). I feel I'm making progress. The clothes are almost under control, working on the books and paperwork and determined to get J to attack his room over the summer. Don't know quite what state the loft's in cos I can't get up there and P looks sheepish when I ask him.

I was a bit disappointed the other day when a (sort of) friend who's a plumber popped round to look at our dripping tap.

"Somehow I thought your house would be tidy," he said.

Sigh. 

But it's better than it used to be.

Update

Well it's a lovely sunny day today. Yesterday started off sunny but in the afternoon P and I popped out to a local farm shop and on the way home there was a torrential downpour. We had to sit in the car for about five minutes watching the drive turn into a river. 

J has started his A-level exams, three down (all maths) ten to go. First one was a bit frustrating as it was a nice paper but he know he got one question wrong. The other two went ok he said. In terms of obtaining the grades he needs for getting into uni (A*s) some of the maths modules count more than others and I feel like I've spent the last two years trying to understand how it all works. I'm sure it will all be ok in the end.

P has been doing lots of invigilating, in fact has been pretty busy with various things.

I'm still waiting for date of my operation, which is a bit tricky in terms of booking a holiday. Physio is still going well, can almost but not quite do a full revolution on the exercise bike now. Wow.

Thinking of the empty nest

Oh dear didn't blog at all during May.

Well during May sometimes it was sunny and sometimes it wasn't. P did quite a lot of invigilating. J did two exams (of which second went better than first) but still has eleven to go. My physio said I need to work even harder, I still haven't got date for op which makes planning a summer holiday difficult and the wires in my knee edged ever closer to the surface. My GP says if they ever poke through the skin she thinks they'd operate straight away which is sort of reassuring I suppose.

Talking of holidays in order to try and prepare myself for our offspring leaving the nest (sob) I have been thinking that sometime after he's gone P and I could have a little break by ourselves. Because the answer to a crossword clue last week was 'Lerwick' (to my surprise I knew that it was the main port of the Shetlands) I got the idea of going there but P and J reckon it would be too cold for me and we'd either have to fly (could be tricky with leg) or go by boat (might be seasick). Perhaps not for now. Maybe one day. Have to think of somewhere else so there's something to look forward to.

Ouch

The knee has been doing better bending-wise as in 86 degrees at last measurement but last week it was painful and there were bruises where the wires are (I know - gross)  and I was miserable.

Sorry, being a bit pathetic here.

Pause while I put on 'super-brave I'm good at suffering face'.

Anyway I went to physio on Friday  and I thought he'd say 'You poor thing just have a rest for a couple of weeks and put your feet up.'

But no. He said there wasn't anything major going on and let's go into the gym.

Into the gym. Me who could hardly walk?

On the resistance machine?

Yep. We have to build up those quads. That's what he says. Keep doing the exercises., that's what he says. As long as the pain isn't above 7/10 and if it is put some ice on it. That's what he says.

If I don't manage to get some quads going my knee won't work properly even after the op and I'll always have a sort of hollow on the side of my thigh where the muscles have wasted and it's just not going to be ok.

So... right leg raise 1..2..3..4..5 hold 1..2..3..4..5.. repeat.... 1..2..3..4..5.......

Ouch.

It is difficult trying to build up muscles that just aren't, well, normal, that do strange unpredictable and painful things and I feel that nobody ever really understands what it's like (probably because they don't understand what it's like).

This thing happened though on the morning after the accident when I was lying on a trolley in the Day Stay ward with my leg in a temporary plaster on a pillow because there wasn't a space on the Orthopaedic Ward yet. I was wishing I'd brought a Bible in with me and I just asked God if there was any verse He wanted to give me and this one from Philippians came into my mind - 4:19:

'My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.'

So I'm holding onto that and believing that He will enable me to grow a satisfactory pair of quads, whatever it takes.
 

Wish I could do more housework

Well my brother arrived at ten past nine or 21.10, however you like to put it. The journey with Dad had involved over three hours of stops for food and drink so hadn't been a quick one. My brother had the meal we'd kept for him, we had a bit of a chat before bed and I got up early to have breakfast with him before he headed off for his work on Saturday.

At least the house is relatively tidy. I'm trying to do a bit of cleaning/tidying a day to keep on top of it. My life seems to be about trying to get a balance between living in utter chaos and wearing myself out trying not to live in utter chaos.

What would it be like to have nice strong healthy  muscles who could scrub and clean all day without planning to seize up and turn into throbbing lumps of pain?

M.E./CFS, whatever you like to call yourself, I totally loathe you. Why do you have to mess up my life like this? I'd like to smash you on the floor and stamp you to death and throw your miserable remains out of the window. That's what I'd like to do.

Talking of muscles...

Best laid plans...

Dad has been staying with my brother and the plan was that they would both travel down here and stay the night and we'd take Dad back home tomorrow. Then Dad asked if he could stay another night and we said fine, a bit more awkward as have to take him back after church on Sunday and get the feeling if he comes to church with us he wouldn't actually like it but be great to have him another day. They were going to meet up with my older niece and bring her here for a while before she got a bus or train back to uni.

Great, really looking forward to seeing them all. Doing lots of tidying and cleaning (ie generally knocking myself out, never mind), planning some nice food.

Then...

Dad had tummy bug, got over it but still weak and decided he wanted to go straight home and can't blame him really (and with J about to do exams and my health issues we didn't really want to risk catching it). This meant my brother took different route to Dad's house and I didn't get to see my niece. Still at least we'd see my brother so we still prepared nice food and I. who haven't cooked for ages, actually made some brownies. Well he is still coming but has been held up and isn't expecting to get here until nine o'clock tonight (21.00 as P would say). 

So disappointed.

Knee update

Well when I blogged back in October physio was going ok. But then just before Christmas it stopped being ok. This was because my physio couldn't seem to grasp that I had mobility problems before I broke my knee and that I needed to be in the wheelchair. He seemed to take the view that I was still using it just to annoy him. He got angry. He couldn't seem to understand when we tried to explain. He was still seething when we left. I went straight into (or should I say squeezed into - can't believe how small it is) the disabled loo and burst into tears.

I couldn't help feeling that I couldn't go back.

'Lord what do I do,' I prayed in the car. Immediately into my mind came a conversation we'd had with a friend who had hurt his knee the same time as me and found a private physio had made all the difference. But how would we afford it? In the mail that day was the renewal letter for the insurance we use for dental and optical charges. As I leafed through the booklet I notice that they would pay towards private physio. Wow!
It was a bit tricky choosing one and I screened out those who do acupuncture cos I'm just not into it. Then my friend Louise mentioned that the one in our village had helped her daughter's back so I gave him a try and it's been so much better than the NHS. I feel really bad typing this as I used to work for the NHS but sadly it's true and I think the other one was pushing me too hard and could potentially have caused damage.

Getting the knee to bend is still a long process but it's looking good and I'm walking a bit (unaided) now although I still use the wheelchair a lot. I am on the waiting list for surgery to remove the metalwork which is now beginning to cause bruising from the inside. It should be a much more minor op than the last one, maybe even a day-stay job. More hospital food? (Actually it wasn't that bad, just remember to avoid the macaroni cheese).

I'm managing to do a bit round the house now - sorting washing and tidying and cleaning a bit.

So yes things are looking up.

Update

Sooo... what's been happening?

Well we flew to Ireland in October. This was far from easy with the leg still being so immobile but the airline crew were wonderful and, with my leg stretched over two seats next to me we managed. We stayed in a different cottage to our usual one, which was very nice and cosy (we could afford it as it was off-season). The weather wasn't all that good but we had some nice relaxing days and P managed to go for a couple of walks. My relatives came over for a lovely meal cooked by P and we met up with them in restaurants a few times.

Jane's funeral was the week after we returned, her family gave such lovely speeches and a couple of the Irish ones played some fiddle music at the reception as their tribute to her. It was strange without her when we were in Wales for Easter. I especially thought of her when we went to church as we chose that particular one for her because she used to come with us and she was an Anglican. It is such a lovely church and the people are so friendly - some of them remembered us even though it was a year since we'd been. I just love the teaching and worship there as well.

The weather in Wales was interesting - some rain, some sunshine, some wind, some hail, some snow.

It was lovely to be with my brother and family at Easter and here's the exciting news - he's bringing my dad to stay on Friday - Dad's coming to see me. Things with my dad have not always been easy so I just feel so thankful that he's coming. It's been eighteen months since I saw him last. Been kind of having a bit of a tidy-up, well actually this started the day our house-group (or life-group as they call them at our church) was held at our house though in the end only one man turned up. It was nice though, we sat and watched a dvd and J was listening with one headphone off, and we all ate chocolate biscuits, talking of which weight situation not so good, let's just say 'Mum's weight loss chart' has a zig-zag aspect to it. Sooo... today has been non-sugar day. In fact I had got into a pattern of non-sugar days and was losing the flab then it all got de-railed by a home-made cake. Me and food, it just gets complicated.

What has also been complicated has been J's uni application, thought it was all sorted then he unexpectedly had another offer and it was quite a hard choice, however it's made now and he just needs to formally confirm his first and second choices. I counted up that we'd had twelve uni visits in total, including several 'post-offer' visits.

Is it any easier contemplating my boy leaving home. Nope. Excited for him but...

P meanwhile has been busy looking after me, ferrying J around, being Chair of Governors, doing audio at church and working on the house and garden. In fact our bathroom is very nearly finished. This is very exciting as it has been an extremely long time since I have had a completed bathroom.

So what else? Oh yes the leg, perhaps I'll devote a whole post to the leg.

Back again

Hello.

It's been a while. Like almost six months.

I can't really explain it but when Paris happened I couldn't blog for a while. I just couldn't find the words. Then 'the while' turned into quite a long while.

Now I'm starting again but since the last time I blogged everything has changed, we're in a different place and we can never go back  to where we were.

Yet somehow in the face of the awful things happening in the world and an increasingly uncertain future our daily lives go on.

So this is me, just writing about my life. And I know that whatever happens, good or bad, God is with me, I am never alone.